A Little Good News

I had my progesterone b/w on Wednesday morning, and I fully expected a phone call back Thursday. Thursday came and went with no call, so I thought surely Friday would be it. I still hadn't heard anything by after lunch, so I called, and ...I OVULATED!!!!!

Not super great numbers by any means at 5.8, but it's enough to indicate ovulation. In a previous post, I mentioned that the doctor wants my numbers at least over 10, so I'm not sure yet if she's planning on upping the Clomid, or what the next step is. So even though it's still crappy numbers, and chances are we didn't or would be unable to conceive this cycle, at least it's a step in the right direction, and I can definitely live with that.

Waiting...

Tomorrow I go for my progesterone b/w. I'm not feeling super optimistic about. I was unable to chart well, due to change in sleeping habits, and being crazy busy, so I kept forgetting to take my temp. I almost forgot to check my cervical fluid, but based on that, it's not looking to good for ovulation. I've had fertile fluid, then it would dry up, and then be fertile again, so I'm not sure. I also attempted using OPK's...only problem is that I missed the reading one day (using digital), and the next day I had to use a traditional OPK, and it wasn't dark enough, and the day after that, it was even lighter. So...did I or didn't I?


I'm trying not to get to hopeful...but I really hope I did b/c then I could test this weekend, and if we were successful, I know it would be a great Father's Day present for DH. 


Last month, I got the results the following afternoon, so I'm hoping that I'll get the results back on Thursday. Then waiting again for the 29th for a follow-up, and what I'm sure will be an increase to 150mg of Clomid. Woo-hoo (can you sense the sarcasm). Though I can't complain too much; the Clomid hasn't really bothered me a lot. But I digress.


So...I wait...

Round Two Starts

So, as I may have mentioned in a previous post, my progesterone b/w came back way low. I believe it was under 10, and she wants it higher than 10. 


So I did another round of Aygestin, and can I say 'Hello, side effects!?' Sorry to be little TMI, but my boobs hurt so much, I had to wear two sports bras to work one day (why two? Because I have DDs,  and I haven't found a sports bra that I can wear without needing two for support)!!!! I've never had pain like that, ever.


Oh, and when AF did arrive? Hello debilitating cramps! I've always had moderate to severe cramps, so I'm used to having bad cramps. I have never felt as awful as I did last Tuesday. I was in so much pain, I was in tears, and with the pain came nausea. Needless to say, I went home after a whole 45-min of work (and by work, I mean I turned on the computer, and spent the next 30-35 minutes going from my office to the bathroom, debating whether or not I should go home). I went home and slept. Poor DH was out of town, and when I called him to tell him I was going home, I think I scared him.


On a good note, AF only came for two days, and then she left, thank God.


Yesterday I started our second round of Clomid. No major complaints yet; I've had a headache and some nausea, but I think I'm just tired.


Well, that's all that's new on this end, for now anyways. Hope everyone has a fun and safe Memorial Day weekend!

Update and Waiting...

Well, I think I confused my FF chart b/c it thinks I ovulated week before last. Why do I think that? B/c I stopped recording my CM, so I think it thinks that my CM dried up, indicating ovulation. Just a theory.


So, the update is I went back to the OB/Gyn today. I had taken a pregnancy test this morning just in case, which was negative (no surprise there), and of course had to take another one at the doctor's office, which was also negative (again no surprise there). A quick pelvic showed my ovaries are a-ok (no swelling, etc), which is good. Since my FSH and estradiol came back uber normal, I don't have to get that b/w done again :-) (that'll save us about $50). So, she upped the Clomid; I'll be starting 100mg, on CD5-9, blah blah blah, and of course, get the progesterone check between CD21 - 23. 


And b/c my body doesn't comprehend the idea of menstruation, I re-started the Aygestin again today to induce a period. So now, we wait.

A Little Disappointed

But I'm not sure why. The doctor's office called with my progesterone results (CD23) and they were too low, so the medical assistant told me the doctor is going to up my Clomid for the next cycle to 100mg. 


This was not a big shocker to me. I chart, and I knew that I hadn't ovulated. 


Adding insult to injury...upcoming Mother's Day. FF says I ovulated 6 days ago, making my b/w at 3dpo. I think if my progesterone was so low then obviously my ovaries turned their backs on the Clomid. Well, I got another thing coming if they keep this up! Take that, you ovaries!


Adding stress...my sister is in the hospital with complications at 7 months. The baby's heart rate keeps dropping, and the cord is wrapped her neck.


I still have my f/u on Tuesday with my ob/gyn, so we'll see what what, and I will hopefully have more to update on.


In the meantime, cross your fingers for my sister and her baby...for their safety, health, and if necessary at this stage, a healthy birth.

What If...

I can never be around a pregnant woman and feel comfortable because it reminds me of how much I have lost and how inadequate I now feel (from Jodi)?


Obviously, being infertile creates a wave of emotions, that can vary from day to day. Some days are 'normal' - you almost feel like you used to prior starting this TTC journey. Other days are filled with fear, sadness, or anxiousness. Did I ovulate? Is my CM good quality? When will get our SA results back? And that's without taking into consideration  all the mixture of feelings that crash over you when you leave the comfort of home or work, when you go to stores, the mall, or even a park. You go out for a lovely day with your husband or partner, and plan on having a terrific day, and BAM! You see a pregnant woman, and immediately you are consumed with such sadness you think you will never recover.


While my husband and I have only been TTC for a little over a year, it has become increasingly difficult to be around friends and family who are pregnant.


Why?


Because no matter how much I love my friends and family, I know there is no guarantee that we will be successful. Due to our religious beliefs, our options are incredibly limited, and that's okay.


But watching each one progress in their pregnancy is only a constant reminder of that which we may never have. Most recently, one of my best friends gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. We were thrilled to learn of their pregnancy when they conceived, and were only too happy to visit them in the hospital after the birth of their son. But as her pregnancy progressed, it was harder each time to visit with her, and share in her joy. While I was so happy for both her and her husband, it caused me such an incredible amount of pain, sadness, and jealousy. 


Which begs the question...what if I can never handle being around someone who is pregnant?


I haven't reached that point, and I pray I never will. I'm lucky that my friend is sensitive to our struggle, and so probably understood our less frequent visits. I happily attended her shower, and am always happy to visit both her and her precious little one. 


But what if I do? Do I just hide under a rock for the rest of our journey? For the rest of my life? Obviously, though this is possible, this is not a healthy or realistic way to live. What do you say to the person who is announcing their happy news? "Sorry for not sending a singing telegram, but my infertility has me feeling a little sad today. Better luck tomorrow."? 


I'm sure that if I learn of any more pregnancies this year, I'll be in this boat. I don't know how to answer this question until I reach that point of such brokenness, I can no longer handle being around pregnancy. Such an ironic feeling, I suppose - trying so hard to achieve pregnancy, and yet not be able to handle being around those who are pregnant.


To end on a positive note, what if...we are able to create such an awareness of the disease of infertility, that it truly is a medical condition, that reform takes place requiring health insurance companies to cover infertility. Period. No ifs, ands or buts. I think that would be a pretty awesome feat.


So, why did I write this 'What IF...' post? It is part of the What IF project for National Infertility Awareness Week (NAIW). To learn more about project What If, go here. To learn more and infertility in general, visit this Resolve site, and to learn more about NIAW, go here.

A Little Unsure

Well, we're home from our attempted baby-making weekend. We had a wonderful time relaxing and just enjoying us as a couple. Definitely a much needed break from everything that's been going on.


The clomid started and stopped, and I'm happy to report I've had very little to no side effects. My only complaints were what ended up being full-on hot flashes (in a previous post, I said I would get warm and start to perspire a little - it got worse) - not intolerable, but definitely uncomfortable. I also had a couple headaches, but only one really bad one, and I've been really tired lately (of course, this isn't a side effect listed, but it's the only thing I can contribute it to, since nothing else has changed).


Now for why I'm "a little unsure"...I have a weird feeling this cycle just isn't going to be us. I know, I know, I should be thinking more optimistically, but it doesn't. My temps have been all over the place, CM the comes and goes as it pleases, and it's CD 15 (CD = cycle day). I think what really started it is that the doctor's office called Friday afternoon to say my CD 5 b/w came normal, which is great, but then the nurse or medical assistant started to schedule me for my next appointment within the first three days of my next cycle. So now I'm wondering if my b/w was normal, but means they don't think this dose is going to work or what? I explained that I already had an appointment scheduled for the 11th, so we ultimately decided that we'll keep it there and if AF shows up before then, I'll call and re-schedule my appointment accordingly. So that's why I'm feeling a little unsure about things this go-around.


One last little thing...the second part of Project IF is in full-swing, and I hope to have my post up later this week. If you want to learn more about Project IF, or want to learn how to participate, hope over to Stirrup Queens to read more.