Before I begin, let me first say that I absolutely love watching my loved ones start families, playing with their little ones, and watching them grow.
But sometimes, no matter how much I love them and am so incredibly excited for them, I feel so depressed/hopeless, jealous even. I know we will have trouble TTC (having ovaries that don't perform the one major function they should creates an itty bitty problem), and I usually feel pretty optimistic that it will happen for us. But seeing others get to experience the one thing I know I may never get to is pretty discouraging. And I hate myself for feeling this way. But its so frustrating watching this happen, having discussions of nursery colors and baby names and doctor appointments. It doesn't help that I feel like I can't or shouldn't feel this way - afterall, we've only been trying for 8 months. I know if we're not successful by March, we will beging Clomid. I feel guilty of this b/c I know of so many other women that have been struggling with TTC for far longer than us, and perhaps will continue to if we are successful. But I also know I have a lot of potential problems to face, as I will be high-risk almost from the moment of conception. I have a blood clotting disorder, which oh so fortunately for me increases my chances of deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary emobolism, REPEAT miscarriages, and pregnancy complications. So in the midst of feeling sorry for myself b/c we've been unsuccessful thus far, I'm also sad about the fact that we'll go thru so much to quite possibly lose it so soon.
Today is much better than Saturday, and even yesterday. Some days are worse than others; some days you focus on it so much it feels like it will consume you, and other days you feel 'normal' though you know you are not. I think God does this so we don't go insane with worry and or depression.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Decorating for Halloween
So, yesterday at the grocery store, we picked up a $1.29 light-up flying ghost, thinking it'd be a cute and cheap decoration...cheap yes, cute - not so much, lol. We basically bought a broken oversized garbage bag with a ghost face, lol. The whole time we're trying to assemble our oversized trash bag, we're laughing, and B is making jokes about how horrible this is. You can see the newspaper through the bag, and is held together with black twistie ties...one of which was missing, mind you, along with the red LED lights. What did ours have...two white Christmas lights. Oy! Definitely a white-trash/ghetto fab decoration, and although we have our moments, it was too much for us even. What do you think?
So, right now, our youngest cat is playing with it on the floor, while the older one is avoiding it at all costs (B sorta terrorized them with it). At the very least, we created some great memories, and that is never a bad thing :-).
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Long Weekend
A lot has happened since our last post. On Thursday, I learned a co-worker had passed away after being in ICU for 3 1/2 weeks with pneumonia. He was 51, and left behind his wife and 16yr old daughter. It has been rough at work, as fellow employees have started leaving, flowers, pictures, notes and cards on his office door, which is two doors from my office. Very hard couple of days.
We visited with friends, who were gracious to take us out to dinner to Boston Lobster. Delish but crazy expensive - we would never eat there b/c we could not afford it. Just too much...but gotta love all you can eat seafood (including whole lobster and crab legs). Will definitely miss our friends when they move to California (silly Navy and C for actually passing PT this time :-) ). Oh well, such is life.
Today, we got to see our niece Sadie for the first time since Father's Day (B had to work Father's Day, so it was his first time since Easter). I can't believe how big she's gotten! I will post pics once I get them :-).
We also got to visit with another couple friend of ours, who are expecting their first in April. First time we saw them since they told us, so it was fun to see them, and see the little bit that's changed, and how she's doing. Was a little hard to take, but definitely a lot better than I expected, which is good, b/c I always feel guilty for feeling depressed about our difficulties sometimes.
Now we are just relaxing, both on laptops on the sofa, reclining while watching Sunday Night Football - btw, uber excited that the Bills beat the Jets in OT! :-)
At the store today, I bought Saw Palmetto as I read that it can be beneficial if you have elevated levels of testosterone, which is my issue, only to read online that it's not recommended if you have a blood clotting disorder. Agh...now I have to call the doctor and see what they recommend. At least I know I can take it back if need be. So frustrating!! First I'm told I have PCOS, then I'm told I don't, but I have elevated testosterone, and my hormones are responsible for me not ovulating, and when I find something that could potentially help with these issues, I find I can't take it due to Factor V. Oy! At least I didn't cry holding a baby this go around - big improvement (except for afterwards walking away, head on B's shoulder telling him I want one, and him saying "I know, I know".
We visited with friends, who were gracious to take us out to dinner to Boston Lobster. Delish but crazy expensive - we would never eat there b/c we could not afford it. Just too much...but gotta love all you can eat seafood (including whole lobster and crab legs). Will definitely miss our friends when they move to California (silly Navy and C for actually passing PT this time :-) ). Oh well, such is life.
Today, we got to see our niece Sadie for the first time since Father's Day (B had to work Father's Day, so it was his first time since Easter). I can't believe how big she's gotten! I will post pics once I get them :-).
We also got to visit with another couple friend of ours, who are expecting their first in April. First time we saw them since they told us, so it was fun to see them, and see the little bit that's changed, and how she's doing. Was a little hard to take, but definitely a lot better than I expected, which is good, b/c I always feel guilty for feeling depressed about our difficulties sometimes.
Now we are just relaxing, both on laptops on the sofa, reclining while watching Sunday Night Football - btw, uber excited that the Bills beat the Jets in OT! :-)
At the store today, I bought Saw Palmetto as I read that it can be beneficial if you have elevated levels of testosterone, which is my issue, only to read online that it's not recommended if you have a blood clotting disorder. Agh...now I have to call the doctor and see what they recommend. At least I know I can take it back if need be. So frustrating!! First I'm told I have PCOS, then I'm told I don't, but I have elevated testosterone, and my hormones are responsible for me not ovulating, and when I find something that could potentially help with these issues, I find I can't take it due to Factor V. Oy! At least I didn't cry holding a baby this go around - big improvement (except for afterwards walking away, head on B's shoulder telling him I want one, and him saying "I know, I know".
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Family Visits
Well, my brother came up from Ft. Lauderdale today for a quick visit before heading up to South Carolina for a friend's wedding. My family went out to dinner, and we had a great time - he's such a comedian! We haven't laughed that long in quite some time, so it was definitely a much needed visit.
Now I'm back at home and waiting for B to come home from work (got stuck working in Jax today, and everything imaginable that could go wrong, did).
This is probably lame and short, but I'm exhausted! And trying not think about the all the horribly good things I ate today :-(.
~ A
Now I'm back at home and waiting for B to come home from work (got stuck working in Jax today, and everything imaginable that could go wrong, did).
This is probably lame and short, but I'm exhausted! And trying not think about the all the horribly good things I ate today :-(.
~ A
Sunday, October 11, 2009
The Beginning
I decided to start this blog to chronicle our lives together as we continue our TTC journey.
Even before B and I decided to get married, we had talked about having children, and what methods of birth control we wanted to use. Since we are both Catholic, we chose to look into Natural Family Planning (charting just like in the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility", but instead of using barrier methods during my fertile phase, we abstain). Which was all fine and good, so at my last doctor's appointment before we were engaged, I asked about coming off of the pill (we were both virgins, and we planned - and did - to stay that way until our wedding night, but I figured I'd check since I had been on it for about a year, and due to my history, I worried there might be issues in TTC, especially b/c she once made a comment about 'preserving' my fertility). She said I couldn't come off of the pill b/c I don't ovulate...okay, but why? And where does that leave us?
Fast forward a year and a half later, and we have learned I do not ovulate, but we still lack a definitive answer - current belief is a hormonal imbalance. After getting married in November 2008, we started TTC in March 2009. Six months later, we still have not been successful. After an u/s and blood work, it was determined I do not have PCOS as was originally thought, and I have no cysts. So our current plan of action per the doctor is to continue trying for another six months - if we are not pregnant by March 2010, then I will go back in to start Clomid (they want to be sure it is 'me' and not the depo (had two shots b/c second doctor didn't want me on anything with estrogen).
So here we are...temping and charting, BD, and POAS. Unfortunately, nothing in my chart has indicated ovulation, so we just keep checking, and waiting for the next cycle to start (which, thanks to the Depo, will probably be another month or so, since my last cycle was 119 days). Why POAS? Two reasons - that 'I didn't know I was pregnant show' has me freaked out, and b/c I don't know if I'm 'late' or not, so I figure better safe than sorry.
~ A
Even before B and I decided to get married, we had talked about having children, and what methods of birth control we wanted to use. Since we are both Catholic, we chose to look into Natural Family Planning (charting just like in the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility", but instead of using barrier methods during my fertile phase, we abstain). Which was all fine and good, so at my last doctor's appointment before we were engaged, I asked about coming off of the pill (we were both virgins, and we planned - and did - to stay that way until our wedding night, but I figured I'd check since I had been on it for about a year, and due to my history, I worried there might be issues in TTC, especially b/c she once made a comment about 'preserving' my fertility). She said I couldn't come off of the pill b/c I don't ovulate...okay, but why? And where does that leave us?
Fast forward a year and a half later, and we have learned I do not ovulate, but we still lack a definitive answer - current belief is a hormonal imbalance. After getting married in November 2008, we started TTC in March 2009. Six months later, we still have not been successful. After an u/s and blood work, it was determined I do not have PCOS as was originally thought, and I have no cysts. So our current plan of action per the doctor is to continue trying for another six months - if we are not pregnant by March 2010, then I will go back in to start Clomid (they want to be sure it is 'me' and not the depo (had two shots b/c second doctor didn't want me on anything with estrogen).
So here we are...temping and charting, BD, and POAS. Unfortunately, nothing in my chart has indicated ovulation, so we just keep checking, and waiting for the next cycle to start (which, thanks to the Depo, will probably be another month or so, since my last cycle was 119 days). Why POAS? Two reasons - that 'I didn't know I was pregnant show' has me freaked out, and b/c I don't know if I'm 'late' or not, so I figure better safe than sorry.
~ A
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