What If...

I can never be around a pregnant woman and feel comfortable because it reminds me of how much I have lost and how inadequate I now feel (from Jodi)?


Obviously, being infertile creates a wave of emotions, that can vary from day to day. Some days are 'normal' - you almost feel like you used to prior starting this TTC journey. Other days are filled with fear, sadness, or anxiousness. Did I ovulate? Is my CM good quality? When will get our SA results back? And that's without taking into consideration  all the mixture of feelings that crash over you when you leave the comfort of home or work, when you go to stores, the mall, or even a park. You go out for a lovely day with your husband or partner, and plan on having a terrific day, and BAM! You see a pregnant woman, and immediately you are consumed with such sadness you think you will never recover.


While my husband and I have only been TTC for a little over a year, it has become increasingly difficult to be around friends and family who are pregnant.


Why?


Because no matter how much I love my friends and family, I know there is no guarantee that we will be successful. Due to our religious beliefs, our options are incredibly limited, and that's okay.


But watching each one progress in their pregnancy is only a constant reminder of that which we may never have. Most recently, one of my best friends gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. We were thrilled to learn of their pregnancy when they conceived, and were only too happy to visit them in the hospital after the birth of their son. But as her pregnancy progressed, it was harder each time to visit with her, and share in her joy. While I was so happy for both her and her husband, it caused me such an incredible amount of pain, sadness, and jealousy. 


Which begs the question...what if I can never handle being around someone who is pregnant?


I haven't reached that point, and I pray I never will. I'm lucky that my friend is sensitive to our struggle, and so probably understood our less frequent visits. I happily attended her shower, and am always happy to visit both her and her precious little one. 


But what if I do? Do I just hide under a rock for the rest of our journey? For the rest of my life? Obviously, though this is possible, this is not a healthy or realistic way to live. What do you say to the person who is announcing their happy news? "Sorry for not sending a singing telegram, but my infertility has me feeling a little sad today. Better luck tomorrow."? 


I'm sure that if I learn of any more pregnancies this year, I'll be in this boat. I don't know how to answer this question until I reach that point of such brokenness, I can no longer handle being around pregnancy. Such an ironic feeling, I suppose - trying so hard to achieve pregnancy, and yet not be able to handle being around those who are pregnant.


To end on a positive note, what if...we are able to create such an awareness of the disease of infertility, that it truly is a medical condition, that reform takes place requiring health insurance companies to cover infertility. Period. No ifs, ands or buts. I think that would be a pretty awesome feat.


So, why did I write this 'What IF...' post? It is part of the What IF project for National Infertility Awareness Week (NAIW). To learn more about project What If, go here. To learn more and infertility in general, visit this Resolve site, and to learn more about NIAW, go here.

A Little Unsure

Well, we're home from our attempted baby-making weekend. We had a wonderful time relaxing and just enjoying us as a couple. Definitely a much needed break from everything that's been going on.


The clomid started and stopped, and I'm happy to report I've had very little to no side effects. My only complaints were what ended up being full-on hot flashes (in a previous post, I said I would get warm and start to perspire a little - it got worse) - not intolerable, but definitely uncomfortable. I also had a couple headaches, but only one really bad one, and I've been really tired lately (of course, this isn't a side effect listed, but it's the only thing I can contribute it to, since nothing else has changed).


Now for why I'm "a little unsure"...I have a weird feeling this cycle just isn't going to be us. I know, I know, I should be thinking more optimistically, but it doesn't. My temps have been all over the place, CM the comes and goes as it pleases, and it's CD 15 (CD = cycle day). I think what really started it is that the doctor's office called Friday afternoon to say my CD 5 b/w came normal, which is great, but then the nurse or medical assistant started to schedule me for my next appointment within the first three days of my next cycle. So now I'm wondering if my b/w was normal, but means they don't think this dose is going to work or what? I explained that I already had an appointment scheduled for the 11th, so we ultimately decided that we'll keep it there and if AF shows up before then, I'll call and re-schedule my appointment accordingly. So that's why I'm feeling a little unsure about things this go-around.


One last little thing...the second part of Project IF is in full-swing, and I hope to have my post up later this week. If you want to learn more about Project IF, or want to learn how to participate, hope over to Stirrup Queens to read more.

Clomid...and a new blog!

First, let me begin with a mini-update on the Clomid pills. So far, so good. Tonight will be the 3rd pill, and I finish on Monday evening. Very little to no side effects; I've only really noticed that I'm getting headaches starting in the afternoon. Yesterday it was okay - the headache was there but didn't require taking anything for it until I went to bed (I hate to take medicine, so I wait until it's bad enough to warrant taking anything). Right now, I can feel it ever so slightly starting. I'm not necessarily having *hot flashes*, etc., but I do feel warmer than normal. So maybe not full-on flashes, but I will get really warm and start to perspire, but once I get in front of the air vent, then I'm fine. Should be fun to see that electric bill this month :-/.


In other news, last month I started a second blog to talk about everything BUT infertility. There may be brief mentions of it, but I needed an outlook where I could talk about crafts, and life, and things that make me happy. A place where I can focus on the good things in life, and the parts of my life that I refuse to let infertility touch. So...if you'd like to check it out, go here. 


Other than that, just enjoying the weekend with the hubs. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Truth, Lie or Bounce from Stirrup Queen

So over on Stirrup Queen's blog, she is doing Truth, Lie, or Bounce. You tell a truth or lie, give a monthly update on yourself, and then post about your truth/lie on your blog, or go back a couple hours later to tell your story...or spill the beans.


My truth...I am double-jointed in my jaw. I'm told by guys it's cool (go figure, and no I'm not slutty), or that it looks painful/gross. This ability has granted me the power to fit my fist in my mouth, which you know is such a useless skill to have, and you always want to have that in your back pocket, because you never know when a situation will arise that absolutely requires the ability to fit your fist in your mouth.


So there's my truth...a little boring, but I'm tired, and it's getting late.

It's Booked!

After a little bit of talking and prodding with the hubby, we are going to have a 'romantic' babymaking weekend in Orlando. Thanks to the hub's work, he gets to keep his hotel reward points when he travels, so we had just enough points for a free stay by Downtown Disney. We're really tight right now, so we probably won't get out too much, but it'll be nice to escape for a day, even if it is only an hour away.

The hubs was not into the idea at all at first...we can't afford it blah blah blah. But then I told him we could an uber cheap or even free night, and he started to warm up a bit. I also told him that it'd be nice to go away so to help the sex part not seem so scheduled, and if we are by some miracle or grace of God successful this cycle, we won't get another chance to have a baby-making get away for a while. 

So we'll be spending next Saturday night at wonderful hotel, where we don't have to worry about cleaning, dishes, cooking, or even the cats. We can just focus on us. Which is nice and good, and oh so needed. I think it can be very easy or couples to lose sight of their relationship as they struggle with infertility. So here's hoping for a long, quiet, romantic weekend. And I'll try not to plan for it, b/c when I plan for something to be romantic it inevitably ends up the complete opposite. 

In other good news, I think AF is wrapping up her stay, thank goodness. I kind of figured as much since this evening I'm starting to actually feel almost human again. Thursday brings the start of bloodwork and Clomid, so I'm kind of anxious/nervous to get it started and get things moving along, but also a little nervous about potential side effects. We'll see how it goes.

In the meantime, I'll just keep thinking about next weekend - something to look forward to before I have to attend yet another baby shower when we get back on Sunday.

A Little Sad...

One of our best couple friends had their first little one last Friday, a beautiful baby boy. We went to visit them Friday evening, and it was so wonderful to see our friends with their newest addition to their family, and I could not be happier. In fact, learning of their pregnancy was one of the few where I did not feel an ounce of sadness or jealousy when I first heard about it.


And now...I'm still thrilled, but...see all the pics and the updates about loving motherhood and being a mommy, etc...I'm feeling a little bit bummed. I don't know what I'm upset about, it's not like I didn't know this was coming, and it's not like we aren't doing anything on this end. Maybe it's the medically induced AF hormones that have me feeling a little punky.


But I feel a lot more upset for an internet buddy of mine, on one of the boards I frequent. K has been thru Hell and back, and after recovering from surgery in hopes of continuing their TTC journey, found out the testing the doctor requires will cost an outrageous amount of money. Purely outrageous. Of anyone I know who deserves a break, it is her. Please keep K in your thoughts and prayers, or what have you, that they get through this latest set-back to reach their goal of becoming parents.

And We're Off...

Today AF decided to rear her little head, so things are officially starting. Not that any b/w or meds start yet, but nothing could progress until AF arrived...so now we're off and running. Luckily for me, I get to curl up on the couch with the heating pad, pamprin and juice (would be wine, but I don't need help being tired right now). And now matter how much pamprin I've taken, I've been in pain since about 9:30 this morning...at least it's taking some of the edge off. For now. I know the pain and the bleeding will get worse, and that's okay. If this is what I have to do for a child, then it's a small, miniscule price to pay, and I would pay it again and again.


For now, we wait. The only thing that changes now, immediately, is to start taking plain Robitussin every day (per dr's orders). Later this week I go for my first round of b/w, and in a few days, will start our first round of Clomid.


I thought, in the midst of getting ready to start this next step in our journey, I would feel hopeful, or nervous, excited, etc. Right now, I feel...almost nothing. I know that just b/c I ovulate due to the meds, it doesn't necessarily mean that we'll be successful in achieving our goal, or that it won't end prematurely. I know it probably doesn't help to think this way too much, but it's for my mental preservation. It is much easier to prepare myself mentally for the worst, and have things work out for the best, than to have such high hopes be  ripped away. Maybe those thoughts will change once this cycle progresses, but for now, that's where we are.