One Year Anniversary!!

 
We celebrated with a weekend trip to Savannah, Georgia - and it was beautiful. I have been there several times, but never for fall, and Billy has only been there once before, when we went for St. Patrick's Day a couple years ago. We did the trolley tour, tasted wine, ate at 'The Distiller' which was awesome, and best of all, went on a private evening carriage ride. :-) We had a nice time together, and it was great to get a way from 'real' life, even if only for a couple days. I'll post more pics in bit from our actual anniversary, which is today. We have had a good year together, which a couple of speed-bumps along the way, but I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else - I love you, honey!!

The unfortunate thing is we learned the day we left that I ovulated two weeks prior, and of course, we did not have properly timed intercourse. So although we missed out on this cycle, the upside is that I did in fact ovulate, which has been a huge concern for quite sometime. The only downside is not knowing yet if this was just a fluke event, or if we will be lucky again on our next cycle. Only time will tell.

What A Long Week!!!

In the past week, we learned my estranged sister and step-sister are both pregnant, a month apart from each other. Although initially somewhat happy for them (long story), it ripped my heart to pieces.

Which leads me to the remaining reason for why this week was so incredibly hellacious (sp?). My sister's contact with the fam has been on/off for the past couple years, and what contact there is/was has been rude, nasty, and full of hate. Once we found out she was pregnant again (*pour salt on wound*), everything seemed okay until Halloween night, when her and her husband went to our parents house to show them their daughter in her costume (so cute at 10 months!). During the visit, mom told R he should apologize to our step-dad B; R said it's time to go, and walked out. Shortly thereafter, M walked out with daughter S, without saying a word to either mom or B. A couple days letter, mom gets and email from M telling her that B should apologize to R, etc. with a bunch of other things I can't remember, but ending with something along the lines of them cutting ties with our parents. Mom chose not to respond out of hurt, but our brother decided to respond, and said his piece, and ended it by saying if she wants burn bridges, then he'll grant her that wish. Of course, then she had to respond, and hers was hurtful to our brother, but ended it with 'I hate you' (and bcc'd it to everyone in the family). So, to make a long story short, I feel as if I no longer have a sister. Which sucks, b/c we used to be like bff's. But I actually feel okay about it, and I'm not if it's because some part of me thinks someday we'll get past all of this, or b/c I've already made my peace about it months ago.

In happier news, though, we got iPhones!!!! I'm so excited, and I absolutely love it!!!! I can't imagine using a regular cell anymore.

In terms of our TTC, not much is new. Still charting and trying (still trying to figure out why its called 'trying' if you know you're annovulatory, or for that matter why they call it 'practicing', but that's a whole 'nother story). Hopefully will get to start my next cycle soon, which would be good.

Guess that's it for now!

Coping

Before I begin, let me first say that I absolutely love watching my loved ones start families, playing with their little ones, and watching them grow.

But sometimes, no matter how much I love them and am so incredibly excited for them, I feel so depressed/hopeless, jealous even. I know we will have trouble TTC (having ovaries that don't perform the one major function they should creates an itty bitty problem), and I usually feel pretty optimistic that it will happen for us. But seeing others get to experience the one thing I know I may never get to is pretty discouraging. And I hate myself for feeling this way. But its so frustrating watching this happen, having discussions of nursery colors and baby names and doctor appointments. It doesn't help that I feel like I can't or shouldn't feel this way - afterall, we've only been trying for 8 months. I know if we're not successful by March, we will beging Clomid. I feel guilty of this b/c I know of so many other women that have been struggling with TTC for far longer than us, and perhaps will continue to if we are successful. But I also know I have a lot of potential problems to face, as I will be high-risk almost from the moment of conception. I have a blood clotting disorder, which oh so fortunately for me increases my chances of deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary emobolism, REPEAT miscarriages, and pregnancy complications. So in the midst of feeling sorry for myself b/c we've been unsuccessful thus far, I'm also sad about the fact that we'll go thru so much to quite possibly lose it so soon.

Today is much better than Saturday, and even yesterday. Some days are worse than others; some days you focus on it so much it feels like it will consume you, and other days you feel 'normal' though you know you are not. I think God does this so we don't go insane with worry and or depression.

Decorating for Halloween

So, yesterday at the grocery store, we picked up a $1.29 light-up flying ghost, thinking it'd be a cute and cheap decoration...cheap yes, cute - not so much, lol. We basically bought a broken oversized garbage bag with a ghost face, lol. The whole time we're trying to assemble our oversized trash bag, we're laughing, and B is making jokes about how horrible this is. You can see the newspaper through the bag, and is held together with black twistie ties...one of which was missing, mind you, along with the red LED lights. What did ours have...two white Christmas lights. Oy! Definitely a white-trash/ghetto fab decoration, and although we have our moments, it was too much for us even. What do you think?

So, right now, our youngest cat is playing with it on the floor, while the older one is avoiding it at all costs (B sorta terrorized them with it). At the very least, we created some great memories, and that is never a bad thing :-).

Long Weekend

A lot has happened since our last post. On Thursday, I learned a co-worker had passed away after being in ICU for 3 1/2 weeks with pneumonia. He was 51, and left behind his wife and 16yr old daughter. It has been rough at work, as fellow employees have started leaving, flowers, pictures, notes and cards on his office door, which is two doors from my office. Very hard couple of days.

We visited with friends, who were gracious to take us out to dinner to Boston Lobster. Delish but crazy expensive - we would never eat there b/c we could not afford it. Just too much...but gotta love all you can eat seafood (including whole lobster and crab legs). Will definitely miss our friends when they move to California (silly Navy and C for actually passing PT this time :-) ). Oh well, such is life.

Today, we got to see our niece Sadie for the first time since Father's Day (B had to work Father's Day, so it was his first time since Easter). I can't believe how big she's gotten! I will post pics once I get them :-).

We also got to visit with another couple friend of ours, who are expecting their first in April. First time we saw them since they told us, so it was fun to see them, and see the little bit that's changed, and how she's doing. Was a little hard to take, but definitely a lot better than I expected, which is good, b/c I always feel guilty for feeling depressed about our difficulties sometimes.

Now we are just relaxing, both on laptops on the sofa, reclining while watching Sunday Night Football - btw, uber excited that the Bills beat the Jets in OT! :-)

At the store today, I bought Saw Palmetto as I read that it can be beneficial if you have elevated levels of testosterone, which is my issue, only to read online that it's not recommended if you have a blood clotting disorder. Agh...now I have to call the doctor and see what they recommend. At least I know I can take it back if need be. So frustrating!! First I'm told I have PCOS, then I'm told I don't, but I have elevated testosterone, and my hormones are responsible for me not ovulating, and when I find something that could potentially help with these issues, I find I can't take it due to Factor V. Oy! At least I didn't cry holding a baby this go around - big improvement (except for afterwards walking away, head on B's shoulder telling him I want one, and him saying "I know, I know".

Family Visits

Well, my brother came up from Ft. Lauderdale today for a quick visit before heading up to South Carolina for a friend's wedding. My family went out to dinner, and we had a great time - he's such a comedian! We haven't laughed that long in quite some time, so it was definitely a much needed visit.

Now I'm back at home and waiting for B to come home from work (got stuck working in Jax today, and everything imaginable that could go wrong, did).

This is probably lame and short, but I'm exhausted! And trying not think about the all the horribly good things I ate today :-(.

~ A

The Beginning

I decided to start this blog to chronicle our lives together as we continue our TTC journey.

Even before B and I decided to get married, we had talked about having children, and what methods of birth control we wanted to use. Since we are both Catholic, we chose to look into Natural Family Planning (charting just like in the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility", but instead of using barrier methods during my fertile phase, we abstain). Which was all fine and good, so at my last doctor's appointment before we were engaged, I asked about coming off of the pill (we were both virgins, and we planned - and did - to stay that way until our wedding night, but I figured I'd check since I had been on it for about a year, and due to my history, I worried there might be issues in TTC, especially b/c she once made a comment about 'preserving' my fertility). She said I couldn't come off of the pill b/c I don't ovulate...okay, but why? And where does that leave us?

Fast forward a year and a half later, and we have learned I do not ovulate, but we still lack a definitive answer - current belief is a hormonal imbalance. After getting married in November 2008, we started TTC in March 2009. Six months later, we still have not been successful. After an u/s and blood work, it was determined I do not have PCOS as was originally thought, and I have no cysts. So our current plan of action per the doctor is to continue trying for another six months - if we are not pregnant by March 2010, then I will go back in to start Clomid (they want to be sure it is 'me' and not the depo (had two shots b/c second doctor didn't want me on anything with estrogen).

So here we are...temping and charting, BD, and POAS. Unfortunately, nothing in my chart has indicated ovulation, so we just keep checking, and waiting for the next cycle to start (which, thanks to the Depo, will probably be another month or so, since my last cycle was 119 days). Why POAS? Two reasons - that 'I didn't know I was pregnant show' has me freaked out, and b/c I don't know if I'm 'late' or not, so I figure better safe than sorry.

~ A